It’s Time to Retire the Going-Out Top

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There are many reasons New Year’s Eve is the worst. John Oliver recently summed it up quite eloquently: “New Year's Eve is like the death of a pet. You know it's going to happen, but somehow you're never truly prepared for how truly awful it is.” He explained the night “combines three of the least pleasant things known to mankind: forced interaction with strangers, being drunk, cold, and tired, and having to stare at Ryan Seacrest for five solid minutes, waiting for him to tell you what the time is.” All this is true, but I think Oliver forgot possibly the most awful element of the tried-and-true New Year’s Eve formula, one that he probably isn’t even aware of: the going-out top.
Every woman knows what I’m talking about. The “going-out top” is generally purchased in a panic (Ah! It’s New Year’s Eve and I have nothing to wear!) from H&M, Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, or Zara, for under $50. It often has one or more of the following components: sequins, spaghetti straps, a halter tie, a cleavage-bearing cowl neck, a sexy cutout. Sometimes, in the worst cases, it takes a tube shape. This kind of top had its heyday in the early aughts, but it persists today. And it almost always ends up in the back of a drawer, covered in spilled drinks and shame, never to be worn again.
I have owned many going-out tops over the years. One particularly cringe-y version was a mint-green sequined halter top that I got on sale from Gap. My friend got the matching pink version. We thought we were the shit that night. I accessorized with a pen attached to a string that I found somewhere (the set of Ghostwriter?) and wore around my neck, and used it to make tally marks to keep track of how many shots of raspberry-flavored Smirnoff shots we all took as we “pre-gamed.” (I think I stopped keeping track after I got to eight.) Needless to say, I ended the night puking in said top, and still remember how the sequins scratched against my skin.
Still, the going-out top has its supporters. “I think there is some charm in the going-out top,” ELLE.com editor Justine says. “I bought an asymmetrical black Roland Mouret top that I plan to wear on New Year's Eve with leather pants and a blazer. After years of wearing dresses and tights on one of the coldest nights of the year, I am looking forward to a much simpler bathroom scenario. Sure, I’m no longer pulled to sequined camisoles and silk halter tops with sternum brooches, but the idea of saving a brand-new top for a night on the town hasn’t lost its luster.”
I will be wearing an oversize men’s sweater tonight. And I couldn’t be happier about it.